The Mexican From Outer Space
A strange man walked into our little hole in the universe. That hole being the INS. I always forget what it stands for so I tell people it stands for Immigrants (sorry) No Spanish. You would think that I would have to be required to speak the language of the people I was serving, but that was never the case. It often came in handy when I would have to break bad news to people and they would scream at me with phrases I could not and would not begin to comprehend.
“Pinche Tu Madre!”
“Yes, I’ll be sure to pinch my Matre’ D’s tush at dinner tonight. Good luck with your deportation,” I’d say with a smile despite their beleaguered face.
However today there was something different. This man didn’t speak in those tongues I had delegated to rubbish and second class Ebonics. No he spoke to me with a reverence and dignity that I hadn’t seen since that Pakistani actor from my favorite sitcom was starring in some Shakespearean drama and performing without that charismatic accent that had regaled itself so well in my heart. He spoke to me with clear diction and tone and asked me to explain this notice he received in the mail.
“Yes sir. We have a set of barriers in this country to make it difficult for people to come in and out whenever they please. You should have provided someone a kind of documentation when you entered this country that explained your purpose and legality for being here. We have a record of you working here, but you have no social security number or any form of identification that leads us to believe you deserve to be here.”
“Look, I’m going to level with you. I’m an alien.”
“I can appreciate that sir, its very refreshing when the people here give up and accept the fact that despite how much family they have here, they were not in fact a child of this country.”
“No, I mean I’m an alien. Like tentacles, robots, and multiple body parts that have no reason for being multiple.”
“Excuse me?”
“You see, when I was on my space ship, I researched what was the most prevailing race in this country to make it easiest to fit in. Based on population growth, coastal dominance, and job to placement level I determined that this exterior I am displaying would give me the highest advantage.”
“Well I’m sorry sir, but you must be mistaken. I have watched plenty of science fiction movies, and aliens are always played by white people.”
“White? like the color? I would say your more of a 12,24,58.”
“12,24,58?”
“I did a lot of research, but I have a difficulty relating a color spectrum to your words, so the fastest thing was to base it on this numerical system I concocted that makes a ratio between what you call reds, greens, and blues. I can assure you the 58, 96, 45 I have is much more dominant to the one on your skin.”
“I’m not going to argue with that, but I will say this. Your no alien. Your tonation might be impeccable, but that can be learned from soap operas, I’ve seen it before.”
“Oh yeah? Well if I’m really what my skin implies, how come I’m not married or have any kids? Based on my research, I should have at least 7 to meet the average. You know why I don’t? Space gonads. They don’t work with yours.”
“Oh please. Plenty of the people we get here just abandon their families. I had a man come in the other day we traced to 4 different woman bearing his children.”
“How do the women keep track of all the surnames?”
“I don’t know. In fact when I was in high school, we had a woman produce 4 generations of football champions, all with different last names. We had to come up with a special title to award her because it would confuse everybody if the woman we awarded had a different name than all 4 of our champion players. So we just gave her the Mayba Welaynton key to the city. That way she could sleep with whoever she wanted, whenever she wanted, and lead our city to the state title.”
“Well I think its despicable to have that many families and not take care of them. On my home planet I offered my seed to our hive lord, but she just ingested it for nutrition and sent me out as a scout because my seed wasn’t viable enough, something about poor viscosity.”
“I feel for you, I really do. I tried to donate my sperm once at one of those clinics. Those things are nazi factories I tell you. If you didn’t have blue eyes, 6′5″ height, and a degree that couldn’t be completed by a fine arts major they wouldn’t give you a dime. I suffered all that embarrassment for nothing.”
“Embarrassment? On my planet it is quite a pleasurable experience, where a hive mistress comes by for extraction and peels off one of your gonads while singing a lovingly patriotic song and delivering juice from the vesicles of the hive mother herself.”
“Oh yeah? We get juice too. But only when we give blood. When we give sperm we just get dosesof shame. You wouldn’t believe this. Ok so I need a lil help right? I’m trying to do it standing up, but the bloodflows all over the place so I decide to sit down. Get it more concentrated you know? Except they have this whole, we’re not a splooge factory we are a place of medicine so they have this like paper sheets you have to lay down before you can lay your bare butt on their precious furniture. And its not some some sterile rubber table or anything, its this old stained couch. And not stained with semen, the patrons have too much courtesy for that, no just the stain of neglect for their donors need for fresh upholstery that isn’t worn by age. Anyways, all that entered my mind, and the sitting down wasn’t helping either. So I decide I need some outside help and I go to the smut drawer. Now I’d always seen in movies that they had good stuff in these places, not safe stuff like victorias secret catalogues but the full on nasty. Low and behold when I open the drawer its all gay porn. And I don’t mean like girls enjoying slumber pillow fights with other girls, I mean like men giving each other backrubs while they use power tools on light fixtures kind of action. Turns out the place is a gay sperm clinic. They only fertilize gay women that want gay children, or impregnate straight women that have been paid off by gay men to hold their kids. Now I only finish this story because I like you, but I finish anyways and get this, they reject my sperm anyways. Can you believe that me? I know I’m no Prometheus or other genetic purification but good grief at least they won’t have flipper children stillborn with STD’s.
“If you want to be my friend I must tell you I take offense at that. I was born with flippers. In fact I can’t do anything with these hands, there are too many digits. What I wouldn’t give for a strong flipper hand with the flexibility to contour some tricky shapes.”
“Yeah, well sorry man. It just seemed like an inconvenience and all. I mean how would you play a guitar with flippers or type on a computer.”
“Well that kind of close mindedness is what is keeping your planet as a class T designation by our solar system. Us flipper people may only be class K, but we could wipe you fool suckas out on a mere whim.”
“Hey man take it easy. God I open up to you and make myself vulnerable and you just focus on some trivial thing. That’s what always gets me about you people is that one misspoken word and your completely lost to the rest of the conversation. If your so strong why do you have to be so defensive all the time.”
“What do you mean people? The people from my star system or the people I am disguised as?”
“I dunno. What difference does it make? All people are like that. Why do they have to be so defensive, why are they so caught up in their own self image and have such esteem issues? You think red ants look at that black ants and are all like, “Damn I wish I could get some of that. I want to copy their music and sleep with their women.” No they just kill each other. They just violent rip each other apart simply because of the slight difference of their color.”
“I hear that, we found peace with our purple cousins, but the green were completely systematically erased hundreds of years ago. Sometimes a green will be born and they have had a succesful stint in entertainment but eventually are forced into fetish pornography due to the unrelinquishing demand for the obscure.”
There was an awkward pause. Despite his alien existence, the man in front of the INS agent had been more relatable and friendly then anyone who had ever walked in before, hell even more so than his friends that were of the same genetic makeup as him. He sternly looked into his eyes, they looked somewhat vacant as if behind them there were a thousand eyes so hideous and unthinkable that the mere thought of description could melt the cerebral cortex.
“I think I can help you. I have this friend. Do you like cats? She has seriously close to a thousand cats. Have you ever been on the internet and seen those cat pictures? She took all of those. Those are all her cats. If you are like Alf, a popular alien that I have loved, and you survive on cats, you could eat several a day and still not dwindle the cat population in her residence. I am going to give you her number. You need to go seduce her and legally marry her. I know you can’t impregnate her, but don’t worry, neither can human men. The sight of her renders all sexual functions useless. Otherwise I will be forced to send trained federal agents after you. And they are not like those idiots with walky talkies in the E.T. resend. These guys will fuck your shit up. Call this woman, get in her grill, pay her bills, sign the nuptials, and god willingly you can stay here until your mission ends or you fix your ship or you figure out whatever you need to do until you can get back home. I have millions of people I need to eject out of this country so please have a nice day and remember the courtesy I showed you today.”
The alien thanked him and walked out of the agency bewildered, but with a new sense of awe for the people he had been sent to study. He would stay on and be confirmed in his belief that the skin color he copied would be the dominant race of the future. He had not children, but his lifespan was so that he could live on and on and watch the world evolve over time. Races blurred, boundaries disappeared, and eventually total and harmony amongst all living things was reached. He reported back home about the miracle that had occurred. They copied their harmonious nature and brought peace to the entire universe. When asked what was the key to the planets success, he answered, “It was their self hatred. They were so sick of themselves that they copied everybody else until they all became the same. Once physical barriers were broken down by the internet, people all began laughing at the same jokes, and beautiful women were found in every race, no matter how ugly most of them were, the select few were in the fantasies of those that slept with the ugly average. Eventually a group consensus emerged of what was inoffensive, hilarious, and beautiful, and everybody either adapted to it or rebelled against it all in the same way, thus empowering it even further. Homogony was reached, and that is why today everybody loves everything.
No Comments Yet
No comments yet.
Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI
Leave a comment
