Heres a picture of something unnecessary.
Heres a picture of something unnecessary.
Here’s a hilarious movie
Here’s a hilarious movie
Well that wasn’t really redundant, that was more like saying the same thing in a row twice in a row.
I would like to thank everyone who reads this by saying that I appreciate them by giving them thanks for appreciating this post enough to give thanks. Thank you.
So it came to my attention that some people still haven’t seen this show. Right now it is the best thing on TV. Not just TV, throw in HBO, Showtime, and all that other normally better stuff. It’s on AMC, which used to show really amazing, but unwatchable (due to commercial breaks) movies. They have brought their good taste in movies to these modern day serials.
This opening is pretty abstract, so it won’t have a lot of spoilers, while pretty much giving you a good deal of what it is all about. I like this show because it takes everything the modern work world has become, and pimps it around by showing a beautiful working world with undercurrents of pain before they have been torn apart by the civil rights movement, women’s lib, and hate crime laws.
Its a pretty hard show, and if I didn’t have my gf around to explain some of the subtler stuff I’d miss out on all the layers. There’s a lot to chew on, and it has all the qualities that make HBO and Showtime serials good (amazing dialouge, language, sex, and developed themes) without all the gratuity (junk shots, f bombs, needless improvisation (there are writers for a reason)).
Can you guess which one of these guys is the homosexual? Anyways, its refreshing, hes obvious but at the same time so classy.
And here’s some of the sex:
I like them in some ways. Even if you don’t they have enough going on to make it interesting. It’s not a situation where they just throw women into a show just because the show needs some women, they show how vital a role women had in the workplace even when people thought they were just second class.
The Mexican From Outer Space
A strange man walked into our little hole in the universe. That hole being the INS. I always forget what it stands for so I tell people it stands for Immigrants (sorry) No Spanish. You would think that I would have to be required to speak the language of the people I was serving, but that was never the case. It often came in handy when I would have to break bad news to people and they would scream at me with phrases I could not and would not begin to comprehend.
“Pinche Tu Madre!”
“Yes, I’ll be sure to pinch my Matre’ D’s tush at dinner tonight. Good luck with your deportation,” I’d say with a smile despite their beleaguered face.
However today there was something different. This man didn’t speak in those tongues I had delegated to rubbish and second class Ebonics. No he spoke to me with a reverence and dignity that I hadn’t seen since that Pakistani actor from my favorite sitcom was starring in some Shakespearean drama and performing without that charismatic accent that had regaled itself so well in my heart. He spoke to me with clear diction and tone and asked me to explain this notice he received in the mail.
“Yes sir. We have a set of barriers in this country to make it difficult for people to come in and out whenever they please. You should have provided someone a kind of documentation when you entered this country that explained your purpose and legality for being here. We have a record of you working here, but you have no social security number or any form of identification that leads us to believe you deserve to be here.”
“Look, I’m going to level with you. I’m an alien.”
“I can appreciate that sir, its very refreshing when the people here give up and accept the fact that despite how much family they have here, they were not in fact a child of this country.”
“No, I mean I’m an alien. Like tentacles, robots, and multiple body parts that have no reason for being multiple.”
“Excuse me?”
“You see, when I was on my space ship, I researched what was the most prevailing race in this country to make it easiest to fit in. Based on population growth, coastal dominance, and job to placement level I determined that this exterior I am displaying would give me the highest advantage.”
“Well I’m sorry sir, but you must be mistaken. I have watched plenty of science fiction movies, and aliens are always played by white people.”
“White? like the color? I would say your more of a 12,24,58.”
“12,24,58?”
“I did a lot of research, but I have a difficulty relating a color spectrum to your words, so the fastest thing was to base it on this numerical system I concocted that makes a ratio between what you call reds, greens, and blues. I can assure you the 58, 96, 45 I have is much more dominant to the one on your skin.”
“I’m not going to argue with that, but I will say this. Your no alien. Your tonation might be impeccable, but that can be learned from soap operas, I’ve seen it before.”
“Oh yeah? Well if I’m really what my skin implies, how come I’m not married or have any kids? Based on my research, I should have at least 7 to meet the average. You know why I don’t? Space gonads. They don’t work with yours.”
“Oh please. Plenty of the people we get here just abandon their families. I had a man come in the other day we traced to 4 different woman bearing his children.”
“How do the women keep track of all the surnames?”
“I don’t know. In fact when I was in high school, we had a woman produce 4 generations of football champions, all with different last names. We had to come up with a special title to award her because it would confuse everybody if the woman we awarded had a different name than all 4 of our champion players. So we just gave her the Mayba Welaynton key to the city. That way she could sleep with whoever she wanted, whenever she wanted, and lead our city to the state title.”
“Well I think its despicable to have that many families and not take care of them. On my home planet I offered my seed to our hive lord, but she just ingested it for nutrition and sent me out as a scout because my seed wasn’t viable enough, something about poor viscosity.”
“I feel for you, I really do. I tried to donate my sperm once at one of those clinics. Those things are nazi factories I tell you. If you didn’t have blue eyes, 6′5″ height, and a degree that couldn’t be completed by a fine arts major they wouldn’t give you a dime. I suffered all that embarrassment for nothing.”
“Embarrassment? On my planet it is quite a pleasurable experience, where a hive mistress comes by for extraction and peels off one of your gonads while singing a lovingly patriotic song and delivering juice from the vesicles of the hive mother herself.”
“Oh yeah? We get juice too. But only when we give blood. When we give sperm we just get dosesof shame. You wouldn’t believe this. Ok so I need a lil help right? I’m trying to do it standing up, but the bloodflows all over the place so I decide to sit down. Get it more concentrated you know? Except they have this whole, we’re not a splooge factory we are a place of medicine so they have this like paper sheets you have to lay down before you can lay your bare butt on their precious furniture. And its not some some sterile rubber table or anything, its this old stained couch. And not stained with semen, the patrons have too much courtesy for that, no just the stain of neglect for their donors need for fresh upholstery that isn’t worn by age. Anyways, all that entered my mind, and the sitting down wasn’t helping either. So I decide I need some outside help and I go to the smut drawer. Now I’d always seen in movies that they had good stuff in these places, not safe stuff like victorias secret catalogues but the full on nasty. Low and behold when I open the drawer its all gay porn. And I don’t mean like girls enjoying slumber pillow fights with other girls, I mean like men giving each other backrubs while they use power tools on light fixtures kind of action. Turns out the place is a gay sperm clinic. They only fertilize gay women that want gay children, or impregnate straight women that have been paid off by gay men to hold their kids. Now I only finish this story because I like you, but I finish anyways and get this, they reject my sperm anyways. Can you believe that me? I know I’m no Prometheus or other genetic purification but good grief at least they won’t have flipper children stillborn with STD’s.
“If you want to be my friend I must tell you I take offense at that. I was born with flippers. In fact I can’t do anything with these hands, there are too many digits. What I wouldn’t give for a strong flipper hand with the flexibility to contour some tricky shapes.”
“Yeah, well sorry man. It just seemed like an inconvenience and all. I mean how would you play a guitar with flippers or type on a computer.”
“Well that kind of close mindedness is what is keeping your planet as a class T designation by our solar system. Us flipper people may only be class K, but we could wipe you fool suckas out on a mere whim.”
“Hey man take it easy. God I open up to you and make myself vulnerable and you just focus on some trivial thing. That’s what always gets me about you people is that one misspoken word and your completely lost to the rest of the conversation. If your so strong why do you have to be so defensive all the time.”
“What do you mean people? The people from my star system or the people I am disguised as?”
“I dunno. What difference does it make? All people are like that. Why do they have to be so defensive, why are they so caught up in their own self image and have such esteem issues? You think red ants look at that black ants and are all like, “Damn I wish I could get some of that. I want to copy their music and sleep with their women.” No they just kill each other. They just violent rip each other apart simply because of the slight difference of their color.”
“I hear that, we found peace with our purple cousins, but the green were completely systematically erased hundreds of years ago. Sometimes a green will be born and they have had a succesful stint in entertainment but eventually are forced into fetish pornography due to the unrelinquishing demand for the obscure.”
There was an awkward pause. Despite his alien existence, the man in front of the INS agent had been more relatable and friendly then anyone who had ever walked in before, hell even more so than his friends that were of the same genetic makeup as him. He sternly looked into his eyes, they looked somewhat vacant as if behind them there were a thousand eyes so hideous and unthinkable that the mere thought of description could melt the cerebral cortex.
“I think I can help you. I have this friend. Do you like cats? She has seriously close to a thousand cats. Have you ever been on the internet and seen those cat pictures? She took all of those. Those are all her cats. If you are like Alf, a popular alien that I have loved, and you survive on cats, you could eat several a day and still not dwindle the cat population in her residence. I am going to give you her number. You need to go seduce her and legally marry her. I know you can’t impregnate her, but don’t worry, neither can human men. The sight of her renders all sexual functions useless. Otherwise I will be forced to send trained federal agents after you. And they are not like those idiots with walky talkies in the E.T. resend. These guys will fuck your shit up. Call this woman, get in her grill, pay her bills, sign the nuptials, and god willingly you can stay here until your mission ends or you fix your ship or you figure out whatever you need to do until you can get back home. I have millions of people I need to eject out of this country so please have a nice day and remember the courtesy I showed you today.”
The alien thanked him and walked out of the agency bewildered, but with a new sense of awe for the people he had been sent to study. He would stay on and be confirmed in his belief that the skin color he copied would be the dominant race of the future. He had not children, but his lifespan was so that he could live on and on and watch the world evolve over time. Races blurred, boundaries disappeared, and eventually total and harmony amongst all living things was reached. He reported back home about the miracle that had occurred. They copied their harmonious nature and brought peace to the entire universe. When asked what was the key to the planets success, he answered, “It was their self hatred. They were so sick of themselves that they copied everybody else until they all became the same. Once physical barriers were broken down by the internet, people all began laughing at the same jokes, and beautiful women were found in every race, no matter how ugly most of them were, the select few were in the fantasies of those that slept with the ugly average. Eventually a group consensus emerged of what was inoffensive, hilarious, and beautiful, and everybody either adapted to it or rebelled against it all in the same way, thus empowering it even further. Homogony was reached, and that is why today everybody loves everything.
And I am not talking about this kind of black face.
Not the kind where you put on a black mask. The kind where you adapt the speaking mannerisms and defined facial characteristics of an exaggeration of a perception of what certain types of black people were like. And let’s not be racist, it’s not like all black face is the same. You have a minstrelsy folksy singy black face, and then you have the more worldly misconception of the african and islander black face. Like Man Friday from Robinson Crusoe.
My case in point is this video.
Notice that they never actually have black faces, by artfully coloring themselves every color but black they have managed to persuade the youtube scholars in the comment section that they are trying to be clowns or are singing about drugs or some nonsense.
But then why do the birds have eyes like this?
More fair comparisons in this video
Anyways, I think its a catchy song, and they acknowledge in the beginning of the song what they are going for by saying they are the newest hit sensation from Zimbabwe, but it just seems silly that a lot of people don’t understand the history of what went into this song:
So enjoy your irony, but at least know what you are absorbing, racism not drug culture.
Women? Check
Assault Rifle? Check
Ethnically Diverse stereotypes? Check
Go see “Deadlier Than The Male”
1. Tom Petty still kicks ass. Double neck solo.
2. Schools are bastards for loading you up with homework during the game.
3. Someone put butter on the ball.
4. Sobe lizards have the black market cornered. (Grillz and Thriller?!?!)
Will you succeed in this class?
Section: 045485 Professor: Kumar Beardson
1. Am I bald?
A. No, your just doing your part to make this a green campus.
B. As long as a sliver of hair still clings to the fringe of your scalp, you will still be unattractive.
C. Hey Phil Collins had a cool band. He didn’t have to kill himself, why should you?
D. I guess the ass hair transplant didn’t work out?
2. How big is my penis?
A. Tiny, ……… just how I like it.
B. Enormous. It pulls in other penises with its immense field of gravity, but not in a gay way, like it absorbs them and become larger like Galactus.
C. If black people had big junk, and I think they do, you be a mulatto.
D. Humoungous but circular, in effect infinite in size.
3. Do you find me attractive?
A. I’d sleep with you, but I would demand an F, so as not to ruin your integrity.
B. It would never work, if you can’t love yourself, you can’t be loved, and ever since you failed at giving yourself an enima, youv’e never been the same.
C. Do you see me standing at the podium with a rifle fixed at your head? Let that sink in before you rush into an answer.
D. Love me do.
4. Why would you waste money on this course?
A. Because I’m allergic to cash.
B. I would give my life to you. If only it were worth more than a farving.
C. My parents are financing my removal from their household
D. Everything else was full
5. How many times have I slept with your mother?
A. 100000000000000000000000
B. My mother’s dead.
C. My mother’s a saint, you can go to hell.
D. Even though I know you’ve had so much sex with my mother there is no possible way that the man who I love and respect could possibly be my real biological progenitor, I still refuse to accept you as my genetic blueprint.
6. What is 1/0?
A. 1
B. 0
C. What?….. Head explodes. (Don’t pick this if you want to stay on for the rest of the semester)
D.
7. Why should I be president?
A. Because we need a man in office willing to pass a “purple tassle day”.
B. I will lower taxes down to 0%.
C. I will lower taxes down to 0%.
D. A and E.
(Walks to seat and sits down amid standing ovation to his entrance)
Please sit, you know I will.
(crowd laughs)
I know what everybody is thinking. Will he stand up this time? He’s done the sitting down bit for years and has sold out theatres across the nation. Well you’ll just have to sit there and see.
Actually I wanted to talk about something important. I know a lot of you paid good money for this show, but due to my ungodly fame and inflated sense of self importance, I wanted to use this forum to discuss something major that is going on in my life. Just the other day I was diagnosed with intestinal and colon cancer, that has crept up from a cancer in my posterior. My doctor says I irradiated my cells from the intense sitting I have done under luminous stage lights.
(one man laughs, an awkward silence follows, then some audience members begin to accost the man who laughed.)
No no, please stop. I laughed too when I found out. It’s a strange thing being close to death, and especially when you know it was caused by the one thing that had brought you to greatness in the first place. I feel like Icarus flying to close to the sun, but instead of plummeting to the Earth, I am wasting the time of people who paid $95 a seat.
(Laughter followed my murmurs of anger).
Don’t worry you’ll get your show. In fact have you people realized how lazy this country is getting? My favorite is the motorized rascals that perfectly healthy yet morbidly obese people have fused with. I don’t think science fiction writers could ever imagined with fantasies like the million dollar man, and bionic soldiers would we only end up with people attached to wheels. No robotic crushing arms, or infrared eyes, or legs that help you jump 30 meters in the air. In fact our evolution with machines have regressed, limiting our physical abilities rather than enhancing them. I might not be able to fly around with my rocket legs, but I can ride my rascal over to my precooked meals that I can stick in my microwave and use my blender so that I don’t even have to chew the food that is sustaining my life for a purpose that seems completely wasteful and meaningless.
I’m sorry is this too dark? Try this. A priest, a rabbi, and an Islamic extremist walk into a strip bar together. The priest tries to get the strippers to become nuns, the rabbi tries to sell them an insurance plan, and the extremist enjoys the show because he knows he is going to have to blow himself up tomorrow. The priest and the rabbi can’t believe how lecherous this supposed fundamentalist is behaving and they confront him. He responds, “I was doing research. I wanted to remind myself why I would rather be in the eternal with virgins, than living in the present with a woman like this.” The priest and rabbi were shocked again and explained that this woman was on the wrong path, but surely she had some chance of redemption. The extremist agreed and offered the woman a dynamite vest to join him tomorrow.
Where I’m going with this is that I can’t believe I’m dying and the rest of you are going to live. Why is my life, a life filled with serving the world with laughter, having to end up like this, with me depressed and ultimately finished. But I’m going to have the last laugh. Today I’m going to do what I should have done 30 years ago. I’m going to stand.
(He stands up and the audience stares with their jaws open, expecting god or some other eternal miracle to fill up the room with treasure and eternal bliss.)
30 years ago I worked my ass off on stage, juggling, tumbling and performing all kinds of high art that got me booed off stage and kicked to the gutter. Finally one night I got tired of it all and just sat down. Somebody started heckling me, I let him have it, and the rest is history. But tonight you will see what a true artist should have gotten done if he had dedicated his life to beauty and form instead of doing what the audience wanted.
(He stood on his chair, tipped it over and fell forward into a summersault. He rolled onto his arms and walked on only his hands across the stage. He flipped into the audience and tumbled down the aisles. Suddenly a trapeze fell from the roof and he swung atop it performing all kinds of aerial maneuvers.)
(At this point some of the audience got weirded out and some even feared for their safety. Some of the more preservative types walked out and the few that remained were dazzled by the spectacle.)
I want you all to know something tonight. I had one life and I made an intense fortune out of my talent. That life cut me short. Some people would say that my body of work was worth that of several lifetimes. I will tell you all this, if I could do it all over again, I would do it all over again, changing every last detail. I hope you all get more out of the rest of your days then I ever did. Oh and I’m not really dying, I just was sick of sitting down.
This picture helps capture what makes christmas so exciting and special. What are the things you can do to throw yourself out of your non holiday funk, and accept the holiness of christmas? Heres a numbered list that may or not get to 10.
1. Drink eggnog. 
And I don’t mean alcoholic egg nog either. Despite what your boozehound friends may tell you, you are not more interesting or funny when you are drunk. However, you are all of these things when you are suffering from the sheer body collapse that comes around from drinking the appropriate amount of yule time egg nog. No drug can compare to the system restore your body has to go through in digesting this most delicious of holiday liquid solid snacks.
2. Surround yourself with holiday music, like from the Capcom Christmas album (picture above), or get some mix tape with all the great holiday hits, or *shudder* turn on the radio, they usually have a pretty good christmas selection.
Just so I don’t seem racially biased:
And for some harmony and peaceful understanding
And just as an added bonus I am going to try to name most of the random capcom characters in that picture: On the tree starting from the top ornaments: Haggar, chun li, Captain Commando, Ryu, Strider, some powerup I’ve seen in 1942, Demitri, Arthur.
Then below the gang from Cadillacs and Dinosaurs.
Giant Figurines: baby from captain commando, looks like father/son blodias from armored warriors, more cyberbots/armored warriors enemies and allies.
Chunli’s bracelet in the lower left
the 4 RPGish looking characters are from Quiz and Dragons, and the giant headed people I’m assuming are either from armored warriors/ Cyberbots/ or some shooter I am unfamiliar with.
